This has been the most difficult semester, by far. Debatable of course, but to each his own. Not only have I been struggling to maintain my grades, I’ve also had falling outs with friends, and constant academic and organisational work piling up – all with the pressure of life itself hanging on my shoulders. For the longest time, the only constant thing in my life was my seven-lettered foe, failure.
I thought that this semester would be the one to jumpstart me into a greater and brighter horizon, because hello? I was just one step closer to achieving the JTA dream. I had my plans set, the people to support my endeavour, and the passion to end strong. But of course, life throws us curveballs.
- First few weeks into all the classes, I was performing as well I would have liked. Then, I fumbled once with a barely average mark, and everything just came tumbling down. Academics was a no-go, and somehow still is.
- I had good relations with my peers, not a problem. Never expected for that to ever be an issue, especially in my university life. But, lo and behold, the unexpected happened and threw me even more way off my track. It was messy; it still is.
- To add on to the back burning pain, I ran and campaigned for a position in my organisation’s Executive Board – with or without the support of some people I believed would stick by me. It was a month-long tedious and strenuous job that took me away from my academics, and disconnected myself from more people than I would have liked. I also chose this path over pursuing my JTA. I gave up more than enough, but in the end, I still lost. At that point, I was no longer surprised.
The more I seemed to try, the harder I fell. And, I’ve reached points wherein I just wanted to quit trying, and let life take control. I used to tell myself often, “What’s the point of trying if you’re just going to end up farther back from where you started?”, and what troubled me more was that, no one seemed to care or notice.
But, that was me with my failures in check, my head on the ground, and the most lost that I’ve ever been in the longest time. And, these moments I recognise. I affirm and acknowledge that they exist, and they have all shaped me into the person I am – the person behind the screen typing this down. Of course, the acknowledgement stings. Knowing all that you’ve failed in time after time, while everyone around you somehow succeeds. But, this is where I’ve managed to emerge, and this is where I reunited with my seven-lettered friend, capable.
As I begin to recognise all the commotion in my life, I also start to notice everything else that keeps me in check. My grades may have fumbled, and my QPI will definitely drop, but I know that I’m so much better than the person I was this semester. Simultaneously, even with losing the elections, I managed to achieve the next position I was aiming for within the Executive Board. And, alongside with me were the friends I never saw coming. That just made everything better.
As I have learned from Paul Ricoeur, “The human being is the Joy of Yes in the sadness of the finite”. I’m more capable, I’ve acknowledged my failures, and will constantly strive to do better – and, hopefully prove myself right in the years to come.
Dannica Cabangon| 150677 | PH101 JTA-A